the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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