She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
