I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Two words: nipple clamps
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