Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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