There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
