some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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