i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You are a genius and a whore.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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