You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
