My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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