Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
