At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
