One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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