You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
