I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
