Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
