forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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