i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
