i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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