New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
