don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
