My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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