yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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