i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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