ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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