Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
