I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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