i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
