the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
