I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
