I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
