If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I forgot wine drunk hurts
where are my eyebrows?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
