Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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