Umm I'm too high to move.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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