when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
