I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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