Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize