WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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