can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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