I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
