turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
