I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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