three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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