I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
