I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
it's great music for shaving your balls
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
