Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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