I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
