No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
