ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
