A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
