This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
3 2 1 whiskey
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
