i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
